I apologize to anyone who tried to access Nicks material while the site was down. This has been weighing on me for almost two years. In the end it only took an afternoon of work to learn how to use AWS and bring Nick's website back online. I didn't mean for it to go down, and I didn't mean for it to go down for so long. It ripped my already broken heart out when Amazon took it offline.

If they aren't already, put your spouse on all of your accounts right now. Even the things that weren't 20 steps and three notarized forms, were enormously painful to deal with. It took me hours to recover from phone calls (and nothing got done with just one phone call), curled up in a ball on the couch. I thought I found a loophole to avoid crying when talking to companies "I'm calling about my late husbands account" was easier to say. Until of course I had to explain to a paypal rep that I couldn't put my late husband on the phone because he was dead. Taxes were traumatic. I lived outside of my body for the first six months, and I'm so greatful for the amazing people in my life who held me up, and greatful to our daughters who gave me absolutely zero choices but to keep moving forward. I'm not there yet but the waves of grief tend to be more melancholy than violent these days, and I can function most days.

Looking at Nick's blog posts about productivity is ironic. Losing him completely destroyed my executive function. Keeping Nicks site up meant so much to me, but the thought of learning something new filled me with a crippling dread. The memories of reading bank forms over and over before my brain could understand what I needed to do kept me paralyzed.

I did learn a lot of things though. I learned how to get a court order, and I learned how to serve a company on the opposite coast. Then I learned that I was too late, and his account had been deleted. I also learned that sometimes there's a point to things I do in a blind panic. In the summer of 2024 when AWS would not let me give them my credit card to add to Nicks account, I downloaded each page and file on njrusmc.net, figuring I might have to bring it back up elsewhere eventually. I still hoped to take over his accounts and followed their direction to obtain a court order. It's now been 8 months since Amazon told me they'd deleted his information. Crushing. So last Sunday I finally felt capable, and it actually wasn't too difficult. I apologize to anyone looking for Nicks technical information, and I hope that almost two years later bringing it back online still matters to the technical community. But even if it doesn't, it matters to me. Some part of him is still out there, or is out there again.

Unfortunately, some vulture bought his domain before I realized Amazon had released it. So, it's njrusmc.info for now. Maybe next december I'll be able to buy his old address.

For anyone facing impossible loss, try to give yourself some grace. Some things that have helped me:

• TAPS was a lifeline, knowing and hearing from others who've been here and survived has made a huge difference
• Megan Devines book "It's ok that you're not ok"
• Mike Shinoda's Post Traumatic Album, he puts to words so many things I struggle to articulate.
• Swimming. Nick was a swimmer in high school, and something about the rhythmic motion, the repetitive breathing, and the lack of any other stimulus relaxed my nervous system like few other things
• Running, walking, lifting. Take care of your body. Being physically exhaused dulled the electric vibrations that lived in my nerves.
• Rocking in the hammock
• Hot tea, hot coffee
• Medication and Therapy, don't be afraid to seek help.
• I'm greatful for all of the recorded material Nick produced, any time I want to hear his voice, I can

I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life, Nick. I'm proud that I finally managed to get your website back online. I love you. Forever.

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